I didn’t get a chance to mention this yesterday, so let’s take a moment to discuss the plight of 2nd year Jags wideout Mike Sims-Walker.  Sims-Walker, as you undoubtedly know if you play fantasy football, was scratched from last weekend’s total and complete shitkicking at the hands of Seattle.  He was scratched late in the day, and most people were unaware of the move until they heard about it on the broadcast (that is, if you were unlucky enough to have this abortion of a football game broadcast in your region)  Millions of fantasy football players across the nation were outraged!  As were the 15 to 20 Jags fans across the nation!  Everyone was left to wonder just what the hell happened.  Luckily, Michael C. Wright at The Florida Times Union did some sleuthing and got to the bottom of this.

Sims-Walker missed bed check Friday night due to a visit with a female friend that went a little long, according to an NFL source, who described the situaton by saying, “undefeated and untied.”

Ahhhh, of course.  The old “visit with a female friend” that keeps you out past bed check.  Pretty stupid reason to get yourself deactivated, but whatever, I’m not in a position to judge that.  There are, however, two things about that small passage that jump out at me.

1) If this happened on Friday, why the FUCK did Jack Del Rio wait until like 3 PM on Sunday to make the move?  You’re fucking with the livelihood of a fantasy football playing nation here Del Rio!  I was enjoying the Sunday matchups at the RM Franks compound and his “Jumbo Hotties” fantasy squad was engaged in a heated battle.  The 4PM games roll around, and Sims-Walker, the pride of the Jumbo Hotties, is nowhere to be found.  Franks, of course, was outraged.  Had he known in advance that Del Rio had benched Sims-Walker, he would have been able to sub in Jason Avant, whose 1 point would have resulted in the Hotties losing by a mere 20, as opposed to 21.  Damn you Del Rio!!!!!!

2) “Undefeated and untied”?  …?  I don’t follow.  This NFL source described the Sims-Walker situation as “undefeated and untied”?  What the fuck does that mean?  Who is undefeated?  Certainly not the Jags.  And it would be more notable if Sims-Walker or his female friend had been tied.  Untied male/female relations hardly warrants mention in my opinion.  If you have any idea what this means, let me know in the comments, because I am truly baffled.

Anyway…Mike-Sims Walker…hoes before bros, evidently.

To the late games!

Arizona at Seattle -  So I wanted to embed the video of Owen Schmitt repeatedly bashing himself in the melon with his helmet here, but then I realized I’m an idiot and have no idea how to do that.  I don’t know how to operate my own blog…fantastic.  But anyway, given that Owen Schmitt has now solidified his legacy as the man with by far the most bad ass player intro of all time, can we shut the fuck up about the Ray lewis dance now?  It’s infuriating.  Without fail, every time they show that dance on TV, some asshole will say something along the lines of “God, I love Ray Lewis.  You can just tell how intense and passionate about the game he is.  You just don’t see that very often.”  Oh?  Don’t you?  Because I don’t see Ray’s forehead POURING BLOOD FOR THE LOVE OF THE GAME!  Owen Schmitt thinks Ray Lewis is a pussy, no matter how many bodies he has on him.  The Cardinals, by contrast, seem to lack intensity at every position on the field.  Do you think Jerheme Urban is crackin’ his own skull to get fired up, or do you think he’s listening to Coldplay?  Yeah, me too.  Cardinals win.  Bet the over.

Philadelphia at Oakland - Stacy Andrews may or may not have been smackin’ bitches recently, which, to be honest, is pretty good preparation for playing against the Raiders.  The details are fairly standard.  Man gets punchy, cops are called, denials are issued, charges are not pressed, man returns home.  However, the money quote comes in the form of:

Andrews said the couple is still together, but no wedding date has been set.

You don’t say.  They had other priorities besides setting a wedding date immediately upon his return from jail?  That’s ridiculous.  Set the wedding date now, and deal with the punching problems later.  I’m sure that’ll work out. Philly is going to win this one big, because the Raiders, as we’ve covered before, are a horrible football team with a horrible, horrible quarterback.  Surprisingly, they’ve found it difficult to win games under those circumstances.

Buffalo at NYJ - Jets LB Calvin Pace on the Wildcat: “I’m going to be honest, I can’t respect that stuff. All that Wildcat. Because we’re in the NFL, man. If you’re out there running that nonsense, it’s crap.”  Really, Calvin?  You can’t respect 142 yards on the ground against what is supposed to be a great defense?  142 yards against YOU and YOUR DEFENSE is “nonsense” and “crap”?  Because, to me, it would seem like a “nonsense” or “crap” offense would not RUN ALL OVER YOU, Calvin Pace.  It would seem like if you were playing against a “nonsense” or “crap” offense, the 27 points your offense put on the board would be good enough for a win.  But it was not.  Because, you see, Calvin Pace, you were totally unable to stop the Dolphins offense on Monday.  Thus, their offense could not possibly be “nonsense” or “crap”, because an offense that is “nonsense” or “crap” would be ineffective.  You see how that works Calvin?  The Jets are gonna win this one, and then go do some tubing.  PUSSY TUBING! (Yes, that’s two links to the KSK Rex Ryan character in two days.  Sue me.  He’s fucking awesome.)

Tennessee at New England - Ugh.  Look, Fish, can you toss Vince Young in there for the sake of your fans?  Because right now, when people get on my case about the Titans being FUCKING 0-5 (AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!) I can’t even laugh it off and say “Well it’s fucking Vince Young, what do you expect?”  No, you insist on staying in “win now” mode with a quarterback who is doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to produce wins now.  What are you afraid of?  That if you put Vince in you’re somehow going to lose two games in one week?  It doesn’t get any worse than this Fish!  At least with Vince on the field Tennessee will have a whopping two players capable of doing exciting things with the football.  The highlights could be fun!

/Puts gun in mouth

New England will take this one.  However, here’s some BONUS PATS HATING: Hey everyone!  Look!  Tom Brady really isn’t very good!

Chicago at Atlanta - An excellent matchup between two good teams in the night game?  What does the NFL think they’re doing here?  Anyway, I was perusing the latest Bill Simmons, where he picks the NFL games and a bunch of other dumb shit, hoping that he would write something about this game that I could expand on/make fun of.  He did not.  However, because he likes to do things like this, he did compare the Texans goal line running back to Vinny Salvucci from “All the Right Moves”.  Why?  Who knows…it’s not my column.  However, if it was my column, I (or my editor or whoever is supposed to do these things) would have at least glanced at the Texans roster in order to very quickly determine that the Texans goal line back is absolutely not named Chris Jones.  Chris Brown is his name.  There is a Jacoby Jones on the Texans, so perhaps that’s where the confusion arose.  But honestly Simmons, if you’re going to intersperse all of this pop culture nonsense into your football column (another sample: HURT LOCKER (-5.5) over Terrell Owens’ 2009 Season) get the football stuff right.  I honestly do enjoy his columns (sometimes), but I’m just totally baffled as to how an error like that makes it onto the ESPN site.  If I called Chris Brown Chris Jones on BWB I’d be ridiculed to no end, and no one even reads BWB.

He also said he would take the Lions over the Titans.  Suck it, Simmons.

UPDATE: The Jones/Brown issue has since been corrected, rendering this section of the post totally useless.  However, considering I posted about it prior to the correction, I’m going to assume that it was changed in direct response to my criticisms.  Another victory for BWB!

Denver at San Diego - We’re looking at two potentially watchable night game this week, which probably means we’ll be back to Peyton Manning vs. Overmatched Opponent or the Cowboy’s New Stadium for the next 6 weeks.  The Chargers are 2-2, which is not exactly where they expected to be at this point, so they’re shaking things up in a major way.  Major as in cutting a starter.  What could the rationale for that possibly be?  A demotion to second string wouldn’t suffice?  That’s a truly baffling move.  In Broncos news, this shirt exists.  Shout out to Kim and the crew over at Predominantly Orange for tipping the world off to that.  If you’re a Broncos fan, you have to own this shirt, no?  Hell, if you’re anything but a Chiefs, Raiders, or Chargers fan you should probably own this shirt.  Unfortunately, the rest of the site’s shirt collection doesn’t measure up.  One simply says, “medium douche bag”.  What the fuck does that mean?

So there you have it, your official Week Six NFL Preview.  In closing, I would like to give a big shout out to reader/commenter Leo, who commented on yesterday’s post that he honestly loves our NFL previews.  This site needs more readers like Leo.  Ones who comment, first of all, and ones who tell us how great we are, second of all.  So thanks Leo!  Hopefully you’ll drop another comment today, and maybe a second reader will feel inspired to tell me how much they love the previews too.  Or tell me how much they hate the previews…it’s all good as long as there’s some text in the comments section!  

Now I’m just really hoping Leo isn’t the Fansided brass in disguise, making positive comments in an effort to boost my ego so I’ll write more.