Randy's Secret Stuff: A little off this season

Greetings friends. Below is your long-awaited, highly-anticipated, never-fabricated and sure-to-be-hated NFL Preview. Great slate of games this weekend and here’s what RM Franks has to say.

1) Cincinatti Bengals @ Baltimore Ravens: This should actually be a great game. Both teams have strong passing attacks, surprisingly decent run games, and both have a solid defense. I would LOVE to see Ochocinco get the best of this Ravens secondary however and do something ridiculous to piss them off. Like hold up the flap of a cardboard box saying “C’mon Son” if he scores. I don’t know what that means, but because it was Chad, it was hilarious. Sidenote: If Carson Palmer is able to shred this Baltimore D and get by their pass rush without suffering a season-ending knee injury, I’ll officially allow the words “good” and “Palmer” to be used in the same sentence again. But until then, he’s just another guy living in Brady’s shadow. Prediction: Baltimore 27, Cinci 17.

2) Cleveland Browns @ Buffalo Bills: Lots and lots and lots of incompletions, lots of running for 1 or 2 yard gains, lots of depression. You know a game is bad when the stars of each team will dukin it out on special teams. That’s right, the highlight of this game has got to be the Special teams battling of Rosco Parrish and Josh Cribbs. No? You don’t buy that? Ok, well, enjoy Marshawn Lynch underachieving, Trent Edwards throwing to a double-covered T.O. just to avoid a wedgie after the game, and a funky new receiver by the name of Mohammaed Massoquoi. Also, we’ll get to see how the Chemo is going for Dick Juaron. Precition: Browns 10, Bills 21. Ralph Wilson out-lives Juaron.

3) Washington Redskins @ Carolina Panthers: Well, for both teams, this is their chance to prove they’re not god-awful. Clinton Portis has yet to break the 100 mark for the season, and Jake Delhomme has yet NOT to lose his dignity in one half of football. If the Redksins lose, look for Dan Snyder to swiftly remove Zorn as the Skins head coach. If the Panthers lose, look for Delhommes head in your garbage can, because Panther fans will have to hide it somehwere. Regardless of who wins, both of these teams I feel will be at the bottom of the barrel come the end of the season, but hey, at least it’s not Browns/Bills. Prediction: Skins 10, Panthers 28. DeAngelo SCORES!!!

4) Pittsburgh Steelers @ Detroit Lions: Well, this is the superbowl champs vs. the team that went winless last year. However, this is my upset special this week. The lions got decimated by Jay Cutler last week but hey, Big Ben aint throwin deep balls like Jay Cutler. Second, this new coach in Detroit is no Marinelli, this guy understands what it takes to win, as evidenced by his outwilling of Jim Zorn two weeks ago. THIRD, Daunte Culpepper is starting for the Lions, so the the rookie QB will not be thrust against this pass-rush. Rather, an experienced, conservative quarterback will get to air it out. Lions have a chance at this one folks, especially if Bryant Johnson can capitalize on Calvin’s double coverage. Prediction: Steelers 21, Lions 24. The world witnesses a turnaround for the franchise. Bold? Fuckin rights!

5) Dallas Cowboys @ Kansas City Thiefs: I have changed the Chiefs name to “Thiefs” because the Chiefs fuckin stole Todd Haley from Arizona, and in turn stole Larry Fitzgerald’s fantasy value as the best wideout in the league. Fuck you Kansas City, I drafted Larry Fitz in the first round, and for what? Nine points a game?!?! Great. Anyway, The Cowboys must be pissed about not being able to score on Denver’s goal-line last sunday and this is a soft defense for that well-balanced offense to beat up on. Look for Marion Barber and Tashard choice to RUN TRAIN on Bernard Pollard and all those KC fucks. Prediction: Cowboys 30, Chiefs 10. Fuck you Todd.

6) Oakland Raiders @ New York Giants: This could be the game of the week folks. Not in terms of competition, in terms of humor. This is a wicked Giants pass rush and a defensive unit as a whole that is allowing somewhere in the neighbourhood of 230 yds a game. The Raiders on the other hand average a pedestrian 208 yards of offense per game. NFL records could be set here. Jamarcus Russell is gonna carve up this defense like Stevie Wonder carving a Jack-O-Lantern for his kids. AKA…The kids will be dissapointed!!! And so will Raider fans!!! Eli Manning might not play is the word, but even still, David Carr is more than capable of managing a game when the other teams offense is happy with a 3 and out. “No pick, no worries!” is the Raiders QB coach’s current slogan. Prediction? I dono….Raiders, uh, 3? Giants…42. 35 if Eli doesn’t play.

7) TB Buccaneers @Philadelphia Eagles: This is similar to the previous game; It’s a horrid, horrid offense going up against an extremely impressive defense. I bet McNabb can’t do shit against this insane Bucs secondary. Ha, ha, ha. Just kidding. It’s the opposite. Josh Johnson, the rookie QB will be lucky to notch a TD in this one folks, but I guess that goes for entire Bucs squad….in any game. On the other side of the ball, Philly’s offense is hot as shit, and Desean Jackson could finish this season as the top WR in the league. It’s speculative, but keeo your eyes in this young fellow. He could pull some entertaining shit against the bucs, and I dont mean droppin the ball on the goal line. Prediction: Eagles 28, Bucs, 6.

Alright, we’re halfway through. You still with me? PHENOMENAL. Here’s a nice picture reward for reading this long.

My titties r LOVIN this week 5 preview

And for the ladies, Colts kicker Adam Vinatieri….

MY TITTIES LOVE IT MORE!!!

Alright, now that the pipes are clean, let’s continue.

8 ) Minnesota Vikings @ St. Louis Rams: As we continue to go through this, it’s becoming more and more clear to me that this is a shitty NFL week. Sorry. This game, again, is a strong team against a team who is painful to watch. On paper, this should be a fantasy hayday for the Vikings. All-Day Adrian Peterson should run all over this weak excuse for a defense, brett favre should be able to beat the overrated Atogwe for a few scores, and the Vikings D should be able to shutdown the only man worthy of Oxygen (and Gatorade) on the Rams…Laurent Robinson. No, Just kidding, he’s not worthy of Gatorade. Steven Jackson should have trouble getting good yardage out of this top-ranked run defense. Have fun Steve Spagnuolo, you inherited a worse situation than Barack Obama. No prediction, it’s getting tiresome picking random, extreme lopsided scores. Vikes win by a shitload, the media sucks Favre’s dick and dont give AP, the black man, the respect he deserves. (That racism bit should draw some comments I hope).

Aight, onto the 3 oclock games, or 4 oclock for those east-coasters. West Coasters, you’re outta luck, that’s too much math for me.

9) Atlanta Falcons @ San Francisco 49ers: Ok! Now here’s a football game! here’s some competition!!! Here’s TWO teams who don’t blow ass. The 49ers Defense is stepping up BIG TIME on the shoulders of Patty Willis and they’ll have to continue this if they wanna shutdown a potent Matty Ryan led pass-attack. The falcons have weapons in Roddy White, Tony Gonzales, and of course, the man who emerged as a running superstar last year, The BURNER Mike Turner. San Fran’s offense? Well, it’s not great. But Vernon Davis is emerging as a reliable pass-catcher, Glen Coffee is lookin like a capable back, and Shaun Hill is a decent manager. All in all, this will be a hard game to predict, but I’ll give the edge to the Falcons, coming off the bye. Sorry Mr. Singletary, don’t like, murder me or anything. I’m fuckin scared of you. Want a prediction? Falcons, 17, 49ers 13. BOOM!

10) Houston Texans @ Arizona Cardinals: This is the game of the week folks. There should be highlights a plenty as both of these defenses love to give up the big play, and both of these offenses love to take the big one. Larry Fitzgerald, Anquan Boldin, Steve Breaston, Andre Johnson ALL had 1000 yd. seasons last year, and all are taking the field in this game. My concern though lies in Kurt Warner. He is getting old and seems to have lost his pocket presence. He seems to get sacked easier and doesn’t wanna try to find Fitz deep as often. Matt Schaub on the other hand is really coming into his own, and is second in passing yds in the NFL right now behind only Peyton Manning. Schaub to Johnson…get used to hearing that. Prediction: Texans 33, Cardinals 30. In a shootout.

11) MY NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS @ Denver Broncos: No Bias here folks, the Pats are the best team in the NFL. Brady is the best QB, the most handsome, and every other patriot benefits from this. From a football perspective, here’s how this thing breaks down. The Broncos head coach Josh McDaniels credits everything he knows to Bill Belichik who employed him as the Pats Offensive coordinator and Brady’s QB coach for two of their three superbowls together. My guess is this game will come down to coaching, and when it does, Belichik obviously has the edge. Some say that since McDaniels has left, the Pats’ offense does not look the same and maybe it was actually McDaniels and NOT Belichik who should be credited for the greatest offense in NFL history (the 07 pats). I don’t see it that way however. Why? Well, the Pats are awesome, that’s why. Again, no bias here. Prediction: Pats 50, Broncos 3. NO BIAS.

12) Jacksonville Jaguars @ Seattle Seahawks: This is an interesting game. The Jags’ Mike Sims-Walker is emerging as a true stud, and it was no fluke that I took him last pick on our fantasy draft. David Garrard has put up more than solid numbers in recent weeks and look for this to continue against a soft Seattle defense. Not to mention, I hear the Jags have another decent player on offense with a hyphenated name. I coulda just said Jones-Drew, but that was more fun. On the other side of the ball, Matt Hasselbeck looks ready to make his return. Seneca, move downnnnn the bench. Cause unfortunately, when Hasselbeck’s healthy, he is the real deal and a top 10 NFL QB easy. Also, maybe Douchemanzadeh will be able to get his numbers up with a healthy QB under center, hopefully not tho. Precition:  Jags 21, Seahawks 24. This could be a good game.

Alright, that’s all for now. Hopefully, if i’m right about alot of the games tomorrow being shitty, I’ll be able to preview the Sunday and Monday nighter. Cuz i know you’re FIENDING for those reports. Have fun tomorrow and good luck in fantasy!!!

FML