HE IS FINALLY GONE!

Yes, Brett Favre did have to ruin the party and come back from retirement… AGAIN! But there is still some great news on the retirement front out of New England. Everyone’s favorite stroke victim is finally out of the NFL!

Despite the love affair from the media, and every Patriots “fan” I know (I say “fan” because most Pats fans are bandwagoners who don’t know the first thing about football… not including RM of course.), I have always despised Teddy Lacap Bruschi.

My dislike for Bruschi stems, much like most of my hatred in the NFL, from my hatred of the New England Patriots. I respect and admire the success they have been able to achieve in the past 10 years and really have no personal qualms with any of the players other than I’m jealous of the ass the Brady gets and I think Belichik is a douche, but really what coach in the NFL isn’t? I just don’t like them. I think keeping Brady in the ball game despite a 42-7 score is gutless and tarnishes his 50 touchdown record, I think their “no one ever respects us” mentality is old and untrue, and I think, other than Randy Moss, they are filled with system guys who overacheive in New England but would be average just about anywhere else. And Teddy Bruschi, for me, was the epitome of all the things I hated about New England Patriots football.

So today when I read an article on NFL.com explaining the reason why Bruschi would retire after a 13 year career:

Smiling and never expressing regrets or shedding a tear, the longtime leader of the Patriots defense had a simple explanation for retiring now.

Bruschi, who had missed much of training camp and one preseason game with an undisclosed injury, said he was simply too old and found his “body doesn’t heal as quickly.”

Let me just say this, BULLSHIT. Teddy Bruschi would have definitely played this year… if the Patriots wanted him to. The real reason he retired is because he had a meeting with his coach, and butt fuck buddy, Bill Belichick that likely went something like this:

Bill: Hey Teddy can you step into my office?

Teddy: Sure man, but I hope you have some lube this time cause I’m still hurting from last week.

Bill: No, not that Teddy, I need to talk to you about a serious football issue.

Teddy: Darn it, OK I’ll be there in a minute.

Teddy walks into Bill’s office and closes the door behind him

Teddy: So coach, what’s up?

Bill: Here’s the deal Teddy. You’ve been pretty awful so far in training camp and there are a bunch of kids in camp who are looking pretty good.

Teddy: Yeah but Bill we’ve won 3 super bowl rings together and we’ve always said we would win a fourth.

Bill: Correction, I’ve won three Super Bowl rings. I could have replaced you with anyone in our system and we would have been fine. But ya you’ve been shit this offseason. So either you retire and go out gracefully or I cut your ass and you look like a fool.

Teddy: But coach! I… I… (starts crying uncontrollably)

Bill: I can make some shit up about how you were the perfect player and one of the greatest ever at your retirement if that makes it better.

Teddy: You would do that (snif) for me?

Bill: Anything to get you to stop crying.

Now I could be a little off on the details but I’m pretty sure thats a close breakdown of their conversation (not at all, completely made up)

So join me in celebrating an NFL with one less overconfident old clinger. Next up, Brett Favre and Edge.

- KC Roberts